I don't even know where to start this...at 26 (27 in a few days!) I have officially had what I hope to be the worst experience of my life. I can't imagine living with any worse guilt than I now have. To all you pet lovers out there, let me stop and say, this is gonna be terrible so be prepared!
Seven years ago, (while we were still dating) my husband feel in love with my grandfather's dog, a Jack Russell named Petunia (she was about 2 when we got her). He would go out and see her before he even went in my grandparents house to see them. He absolutely adored her. He use to always tell me if Pa ever wanted to get rid of her, he wanted her. One day he randomly told this to my grandfather, and Pa said you can have her. So that was the beginning of the rein of queen Petunia.
She went from living outside in the country to inside an apartment in the city. House training her was a breeze and she was so smart, Matt taught her every trick you could imagine. He took her everywhere, which was absolutely hilarious to see because he was an enormous lineman for a college football team and there he was at his fraternity flag football games with this tiny Jack Russell. Everyone adored her, like no animal I have ever seen!
Long story, much, much shorter. She has moved everywhere with us and been the most incredible dog you could ever imagine. Honestly, I am not really even an animal person. I would never wish harm on any animal and never let strays starve, etc., but I'm just not all lovey dovey to every animal in the world. (no offense, i applaud people who are! i was just always scared of animals when i was little, etc.) Anyway, I LOVE MY PETUNIA! Over the years, we have grown to love her like she is our child (since we don't have any).
About a year ago, she got pregnant and we were so excited to have more Petunias. Unfortunately, she got extremely ill. We lost all of her puppies, and were very close to losing her. The vet recommended getting her fixed and said if she had puppies again, she would probably die. Everyone, including ourselves, were just devastated to know that they would not be able to have a little Petunia of their own.
Well, before we could afford to get her fixed, she decided to prove that vet wrong! She had two more sets of puppies with absolutely zero problems. All healthy and perfect! We were so extremely grateful that God allowed her to bless our lives and so many other families with her babies! We kept one puppy and carefully selected families for the other 7 boys (every puppy she ever had was a boy)!
Anyway, fast forward (approximately 10 months since the first surviving puppies were born) to this past Tuesday. I'm out the door on the way to work, Petunia and Nitro (puppy) were on the porch and as I'm pulling out of the driveway I catch a glimpse of him and hit the brakes. I felt the slightest bump. My first thought was I had hit a milk jug or one of the many things he drags into our yard, then I thought, "oh my god, I have hit Nitro!" I jumped out of my car, looked underneath, and no dog. Thank you, God!!! Then I heard a whelp, and went around the back and saw him running around just fine so I thought thank you, thank you he is ok. Then I saw her, just laying there so still. It had never occurred to me that I had hit her. I started to scoop her up and fly to the vet, but after seeing her more closely, I knew there was no way she would make the 30 minute drive there. She had almost no signs of being hit, but her little eyes said it all. I dropped to my knees and screamed hysterically and held her while she died (only took about 2 minutes or so). I told her how much we loved her and what an amazing dog she was. All the while begging her and God not to let her die. I called my mom because I didn't know what else to do. My husband was already at school and in class (they start much earlier than we do). After many attempts at calling my husband, I finally had to call the office and have them tell him to call me. So, I had to tell him over the phone that I had hit her and she had died. The hardest words I have ever had to say. To sum it up, he came home and my mom and step-dad came over to help bury her.
I have never felt so badly for anything I have ever done in my entire life, and I hope I never do anything worse than this, because I don't think I could live with the guilt. My husband (who NEVER cries over anything!) has cried every night this week and it kills me! As if it's not hard enough to know that I killed her, I also see how much pain I have caused him and it is so hard to bare! And then there's Nitro, he just cries and howls and whines for his mommy. He has never been alone in his entire life and doesn't know what to do. It absolutely breaks my heart. He has to stay outside because I have a cake business and I cannot have an inside dog due to obvious health code reasons.
I know this is getting long, but I just needed to get this all out. I don't know what to do! Everyone keeps telling me not to feel bad because it wasn't my fault, it was an accident. I know this in my head, but I can't get it through to my heart. It just destroys me to know that the most incredible dog you could ever dream of died through me and that I have caused a horrible pain not only for myself, but for the man I love.
Anyone got any advice on how to deal with this or lived through it??? I would greatly appreciate it. Only nice things please, because I don't think I could handle anything negative! Thanks!
